Unexpected Surprises
by Lady Lanera
Summary: During an unannounced inspection of Hogwarts, secrets come out of the woodwork. Just a funny little one-shot.


**Disclaimer:** _Harry Potter_ and all characters are owned by J.K. Rowling. I'm just borrowing them for some fun.

**Unexpected Surprises**

Snape frowned inwardly as he strode into the Headmaster's office, his long robes billowing menacingly behind him. What in the nine hells was this about this time? Had Potter and his idiot friends found another damn mountain troll, werewolf, Dark Lord, escaped convict? Honestly. Why didn't the damn boy just stick his nose into his books and learn? It wasn't that hard.

"What's going on?" asked the Herbology professor as she entered behind Snape.

"I don't know, Pomona. Have you heard, Severus?" squeaked the tiny Charms professor.

"No," Snape replied flatly, finding a spot and quickly doing his best to blend into the background. He watched the rest of the staff filter in not long after.

"Albus? Why are we all here? Has something happened?" inquired the stern Transfigurations professor, her lips thin.

"No, Minerva. All is well." Albus Dumbledore then paused before he added quietly, "I think."

"What's going on?"

"Is Hogwarts closing?"

"Was Potter killed?"

"Is Snape being fired?"

Snape growled, glaring at the curly-haired witch who had asked that. How she had become a professor was beyond him.

"Please. I know nothing more than you do, I'm afraid," Dumbledore replied calmly. "Only that the Aurors are currently walking about the castle."

"So, then why are we here?"

"The Ministry thought it would be prudent if we were all together for a bit."

"In other words, they're searching our rooms for something," Snape stated.

"What? But, no, we have rights! We have to be told of this!"

Snape raised his brow at McGonagall's outburst. The witch rarely lost control like that. Just what was she hiding exactly?

"They'll probably find all the half-dead concubines you have in your dungeons, Snape."

"Oh, yes, as if you hadn't made that damn joke a million times, Sinistra," he sneered, giving her his nastiest glare. It didn't faze her in the slightest. But of course he knew it wouldn't.

"Will you two knock it off? We have a situation here!" McGonagall snapped.

"Minerva, relax. No one is going to care about your catnip addiction."

Snape nearly snorted at Sinistra's offhand remark. That was oddly pretty good. He caught McGonagall's eyes flash at the younger witch instantly.

"Miss Sinistra, if I were you, I'd hold my tongue."

"Why? At least your addiction is legal."

"I'm not addicted to catnip!" McGonagall screeched.

"That's not what—"

Before Sinistra could continue, Snape moved his wrist slightly, hidden underneath his long sleeves, and sent a silencing charm at her. He was not going to be hexed because that witch couldn't keep her mouth shut. He caught Sinistra's look and merely raised a brow at her. She wisely looked away with a frown.

"I've never felt more violated in my life."

Snape silently snorted. Of course they didn't. They were all considered good witches and wizards. He, however, had been subjected to this type of unexpected inspections regularly. He glanced at each of his coworkers. Would the Aurors find anything worth noting? Likely. Would they find out about it? Probably not.

There was a knock on the door several minutes later. The staff glanced at it before the heavy oak opened to reveal three familiar Aurors.

"Ah, Kingsley." Dumbledore smiled faintly. "Are we all free to go, then?"

"Unfortunately, several members of your faculty are going to have to answer some questions," the tall muscular Auror replied kindly.

"I see. Whom do you need to see?"

"Sybill Trelawney, Filius Flitwick, Pomona Sprout, Aurora Sinistra, Severus Snape, and you Headmaster."

"Wait. You don't need me?" McGonagall asked, looking slightly confused.

"No, Minnie. You're fine," Shacklebolt answered.

Snape heard her elated sigh of relief instantly and scoffed. He then glanced at Shacklebolt and waited for the line of questions that was no doubt going to be asked about his Dark Arts books. He wasn't worried of course. He had answered these questions for years. It wasn't anything new.

"Professor Trelawney?" Shacklebolt glanced at her. "Care to explain this?" The Auror held up a small see-through bag with crushed up herbs inside.

Trelawney blinked twice. "It helps my Inner Eye."

Snape snorted. Yeah, sure it did. He watched Shacklebolt's eyes narrow on her.

"I have a prescription for it." The witch quickly dug into her robes before pulling out the small piece of parchment. "See?" She held it out to him. "I'm allowed two each day."

"All right." Shacklebolt then sighed. "You may go, Professor." He glanced to Flitwick before he nodded to the young pink-haired witch. "We found this bottle of blue pills in your rooms, Professor Flitwick. You seem to have quite a bit of them."

Snape noticed the Charms professor flush slightly. His brows furrowed. What was it? And why on earth was he taking it in pill form?

"What are they, Professor?"

"Medication for, um, a delicate matter," squeaked the tiny man, keeping his eyes down.

Snape grimaced inwardly and glanced towards Shacklebolt, noticing the man nod slowly. It was rare that Flitwick would take _that_ in pill form. Most wizards took it in potion form as it was easier to take. However, Snape wasn't going to ask Filius why he took it in pill form and embarrass him further.

"We'll test it to make sure, Professor," Shacklebolt spoke quietly.

"I understand."

"You may go, Professor Flitwick." The small man left a moment later. "Pomona."

"Kingsley," the Herbology professor said softly, nodding to him.

"You know what I'm going to say."

"Yes, I know. I haven't had time to get a permit yet from the Ministry, however. And it's not like my little babies are hurting anyone yet."

"Pomona, you can't have that breed of plants in a school nearby unknowing students. What if one of them got near it?"

"Well, they'd get a surprise, then, wouldn't they?" she replied with a faint smile. "My plants won't hurt anyone, Kingsley. I promise. I'm just taking care of them until they become adults. Then, I'll plant them elsewhere."

"Professor!" the Auror exclaimed. "They secrete a highly addictive substance!"

"That has some very interesting results. Just ask Aurora," retorted Sprout.

"Pomona!" Sinistra cried. "You said you wouldn't tell anyone."

Snape leaned his head back against the wall and glanced up at the ceiling. This was going to go on forever. He just knew it.

"And what about your more—shall we say—leafier plants in Greenhouse 6, Professor?" Shacklebolt asked, interrupting the two witches instantly.

"Well, sometimes we all need a break from Trelawney, Kingsley."

"So, you admit to using—"

"Dear Merlin, no. _We_ don't use it. We give it to her. Severus adds some sort of additive in it that temporarily makes her seem sane."

Snape lightly hit his head back against the wall at the sound of his name. Leave it to Sprout to drag him into this. He'd no doubt have to explain his actions to drugging his colleague now.

"Is this true, Professor Snape?"

"Unfortunately," replied the Potions Master. "It is, however, under the advisement of the Headmaster." He just barely kept the smirk off his face. It was about time the old man got his due.

"Headmaster? Is that true?" Shacklebolt asked, slightly shocked.

"Well, sometimes Sybill is a bit too much for all of us, I'm afraid. It is for her good health," Dumbledore answered coolly. "Madam Pomfrey ensures that we don't accidentally overdose her of course. It's rather hard to get a good Divinations professor, after all."

Shacklebolt blinked before he glanced at each of them. "You may go, Professor Sprout." The Herbology professor left with a faint smile.

"So. What sorts of things did you find in my rooms exactly, Kingsley?"

Leave it to Sinistra to make a joke out if it, thought Snape. He watched the curly-haired woman give Shacklebolt a kind, warm smile. Honestly. Sometimes that woman was beyond all words.

"Numerous pages from a book that seems to be on torture and bondage. A basic how-to manual on how to kidnap someone and sexually torture them."

Snape blinked. What? His black eyes darted to her, noticing that she didn't seem shocked at all by the Auror's statement.

"First off, it's not a how-to manual on kidnapping, Kingsley. The pages are from an old journal that speaks about male dominance and various types of ways to spice up the bedroom for married couples. The page I'm guessing you saw was discussing about various types of sexual fantasies. That one in particular being a kidnapping one, where the woman becomes a sort of subservient sex slave to her male partner for a bit. Second off, I'm well within my right to read erotic material in the privacy of my own rooms."

Snape noticed Kingsley's cheeks darken slightly before the Auror merely motioned that she could leave as well. So, it was down to him and the Headmaster now. He glanced at Kingsley and waited for the barrage of questions.

"Headmaster Dumbledore."

"Auror Shacklebolt."

"We found rooms upon rooms filled with sweets in your rooms. However, when we further inspected it, we found a few of the sweets were laced with an unknown substance."

"Ah. Yes." Dumbledore chuckled slightly. "Sometimes, I have difficulty staying awake. I've learned over the years with the Muggles that there are certain medications that help with this. My job, as you can quite imagine, is demanding. I'm not a young man, however, clearly. It's well within legal limits of course. You may speak with Madam Pomfrey. She assists me with it sometimes."

"We're going to have to test it, you understand?"

"Of course. Of course. By all means, Kingsley." Dumbledore nodded. "I'm afraid all you'll find, however, is lemon drops mixed with some caffeine additives."

"All right." He then glanced at Snape. "Which brings us to you then, Professor Snape."

"Indeed."

"We did our usual annual sweep and found it to be well within the terms of your probation."

"How grand," Snape drawled.

"However, that's not why we asked you here." Shacklebolt sighed heavily. "Professor, we found a young infant girl in your rooms."

"And?" He ignored Dumbledore's look of surprise.

"Well, we're just trying to figure out where the girl came from, Professor."

"If your mother never informed you of the birds and the bees, Auror Shacklebolt, I surely cannot help you there." Snape forced a nasty smirk at him, feeling horribly uncomfortable. They knew now, and soon everyone at Hogwarts would know. His reputation would be ruined. Forever.

"Professor, please answer the question."

"She came from her mother's womb, Shacklebolt."

"Professor," the Auror warned. "This is no moment for sarcasm or joking."

"As you wish." Snape drew in a slow breath. His heart was pounding slightly. Why hadn't they just left her at her grandmother's like they had planned? It would have been so much easier. "She's my daughter. And I do hope you made sure not disturb her as Aurora and I been having a difficult time getting her back to sleep. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am likely needed by my family." Snape then whirled around and swept out of the room. He smirked inwardly as he left. Surprisingly, it felt so much better with that secret off his chest. How was that for unexpected surprises?

**A/N:**Thank you for reading. I hope you had a few laughs.


End file.
